Gut Punched by Accountability
Updated: Nov 30, 2021
There was a time when worked out at least three times a week. My regiment included running between 1.5 and 3 miles first; followed by weightlifting and closing my session with a 30-45 minute sit in the sauna (the highlight of my entire workout!). My body started changing and I loved what I saw. My routine became my lifestyle. Working out became my therapy.
Then everything came to a screeching halt. I bet you can't guess why? You guessed it…COVID! Damn you're smart. ;-) Our lives were disrupted, and panic ensued. Many people lost their jobs or were forced to work from home and homeschool our children. Businesses closed. Busy streets became deserted. Toilet tissue, hand soap, hand sanitizers, and bleach became scarce, which was mad weird. Togetherness turned into isolation, then anxiety, then depression! I wasn't immune to any of this. The fear crippled me. My active, healthy lifestyle turned into an addiction to idleness - and sadly I've been fighting that 'addiction' daily.
Fast forward to today, ya girl stepped on the scale this morning and saw in neon blue lights "194.8 pounds." DAY-UM! Man look, I used to be a smooth 165 pounds. But like, if it weren't for COVID, I would STILL be Summertime Fine right now. If it weren't for COVID, I would still be going to the gym with my incredibly fine workout partner (who is no longer sexy or fine to me because we totally stopped dating...let's talk about that mess later) and going for my afternoon runs. All this weight I gained is COVID's fault. I mean, outside was closed for like...a year. Real talk though! I know y'all remember that, right?! It's not my fault!
Negative Ghostwriter! My weight gain, my prolonged laziness and idleness, my lack of self-control, my inability to love and respect myself, my overeating...all of this is 100% MY. FAULT! No one else's but mine. Y'all ready for some very blunt transparency???? It was I who chose my bed over a nice brisk walk or jog around the block. *GUT PUNCH* I was the one who chose to keep ordering that 20-piece wing meal *GUT PUNCH* from Wing Stop (Louisiana dry rub with the extra seasoning on the fries and, of course *GUT PUNCH* the large extra sweet, sweet tea). I was the one who decided home workouts were boring and chose to turn my couch into a day bed smack dab in front of my massive living room television and watch endless hours of Netflix shows and movies. *GUT PUNCH* I was also the one who enjoyed eating pounds and pounds of snow crab legs covered in Old Bay dipped in melted salted butter(from that day bed-like couch in front of that massive television in the living room). *GUT PUNCH* Ya girl was able to finish off a whole bag (or two...or three *GUT PUNCH*) of Haribo gummies, Lemon Heads, Red Hots, and a whole batch of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies....in a day *DAAAAAAAAAYUM GUT PUNCH*. Yeah...that was me. I made all those conscious choices. Yikes!
None of these decisions became clear to me until I had a 'come to Jesus meeting' with myself after stepping on the scale this morning. I was NOT ready to face that reality before, but now, I had no choice but to deal with it. My gut punch reality check was staring at me from the scale.
It was now time for a little bit of motivational self-talk and holding myself accountable. I had to ask myself some frank questions and let myself know....I was straight up trippin'!
Girl! What happened to you?
When you saw that you were falling apart, why didn't you do anything to change it?
Damn! A whole 20-piece? Did you finish the fries and the Sprite as well? Was it good though????? (Get back on track, B!)
Why are you STILL blaming COVID? We are almost two years in, boo! Look in the mirror honey. This is ALL YOU!
When are you going to accept ANY responsibility for your health? Today would be a good day for that!
When are you going to forgive the Brittainny of two minutes ago and focus on the Brittainny of right now?
Why not start over today? Like...right now. You really don't have any real excuse why you can't.
Now, look in the mirror. Look at yourself. Look you up and down and love on HER! She is desperately searching for your love. Learn how to love you no matter where you are in your journey. You will never reach perfection so stop looking for it. You are a beautifully flawed woman who, for a quick moment, forgot WHO SHE WAS. Accept responsibility and now...press forward. If you fall, get up and try again and again and again and again...and again. This is NOT the end for you.
That day, I started from Day One...again (hence the name of the Blog :-)). After work, I went to the gym and got on the elliptical, got mad winded after about five minutes, but kept on truckin'. I wanted to lift weights but my body was like..."Na, B! We good!" So I went and sat in the sauna for about 45 minutes. As I sat there sweating, I started to scold myself for not at least doing 30 minutes of cardio and about 45 minutes of weights, which was the norm before I fell off track. I started to feel like my Day One was mad whack until it hit me - "STOP, B! First off, you made it to the damn gym after not going for over a year. Secondly, you got like 20 minutes of cardio in. Why are you trippin'? You took the first step and that was just STARTING! Stop being your own worst enemy you ass!" And just like that, I stopped. I sat in the sauna, meditated for a while, and proudly called it a day. That was my Day One.
Y'all ready for some more transparency? My Day One did not include a healthy diet. GASP! Shut yo MOUF! Nope. It did not. What it did include was a beautiful thing called slight moderation and better than usual choices. Notice the words I chose. Slight moderation and better than usual choices. What does that mean? Well, my breakfast was one bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios instead of my usual two abnormally large bowls of cereal. I still drank my coffee with creamer and sugar. Not sure the how much sugar though. I have a one pound bag of it and I just kinda pour the contents into my mug and hope not to get diabetes (I know, I know! I gotta work on my sugar intake. Give me time. A change is coming!). My lunch was a protein shake, but I must be honest...ya girl was starving and regretted not going to grab that 20-piece wing meal from Wing Stop with the Louisiana dry rub! I'm over here slobbin' right now thinking about it! Lord have mercy! Moving on to dinner, y'all! I had a homemade shrimp Caesar salad which was kinda filling but not enough. So I went back in my fridge and found me some Honey Butter biscuits and literally ate two. This is it. This is how I my Day One began and ended. It wasn't cute or perfect. I did it my way. I still went nite-nite with a smile on my face looking forward to trying again tomorrow.
For those of you who have been gut punched by accountability like me, I invite you to join me on this journey. It won't be an easy one because it requires a lifestyle change. It will require us to change how we think about our health and wellness. Sometimes it will hurt and will feel inconvenient, but change isn't supposed to be easy. It should challenge us, but trust me in the end we will not regret it. There is no shame here only love. So join me. Let's get Back to Day One...Again!